Thinking in the rain

Bassetlaw Hospital car park, Worksop, November 2016 - rain always looks better through a car window* 

10 km 

51:31 / 5:09 pace 

Late afternoon, 21C soft rain 

I really try hard to avoid writing total drivel but I am highly aware of the fact that it is impossible to self-edit when writing stuff that is supposed to be free-flowing and in the moment. I mean, I have no idea what I am going to write until I actually start to write it and I like it that way, but I know that it runs the risk of coming out as a load of old crap.  I write way too much here about times and distances, as well, and I will do my best to cut that out. I think everyone gets the idea that some runners think they are onto something special and so feel the need to share their mystical insights, in the process giving truly enlightened runners who keep themselves to themselves a bad name. 

Once again, it is worth asking - why write this? Right now I am not sure but I do remember that sometimes I think it's a nice idea to have the discipline of putting stuff down in writing. I can't explain that explanation any better than I can explain why I think it's a good idea to run for five to ten hours a week. It has something to do with planning and executing, I think, and distracting myself from the mechanical aspects of life that can take us over - like staying financially stable and paying bills. There is a lot to be said for paying bills and being secure but if that's all life has become, something important has been lost, hasn't it? Whatever it is that has been lost is part of the reason I run and write this. The fact that running and writing serves no actual purpose in my life is the purpose. I told you about the drivel. 

After yesterday's huge and crushing failure in what I promise you was fluffy rain, this afternoon saw soft and gentle rain for the first couple of kilometers and a ten kilometer total. I had a tight chest, felt tired, had pain in my right ankle and left heel and spent a lot of the run wondering if it was time to give up altogether. I ran around in circles for a couple of kilometers to think about it for a while and then set off to get my pace time down from 5.30 to something around the arbitrary 5.13 goal I have set for this month. I finished with a pace of 5:09 and the effort to do that enabled me to think again about this 5.13 target. 

I was being arrogant when I said I had set an easy target, that's the thing. I allowed myself to think it was all so easy and I was dismissing the actual effort I have to put in to get to these kind of pace / distance combinations. I am 50 years old and not anyone's idea of athletic. I have never won a race in my life or finished anywhere near the winning pack. I am a plodder who enjoys the process and I need to show a lot more respect for the stuff I am trying to do. Today's run made that clear to me and I will remember that lesson for a long time. This is not easy and if I have a few good runs I should be happy and pleased but nothing else. Dismissing anything I do as in some way inevitable is stupid. There are too many things that can go wrong in training to ever think anything is guaranteed. 

I have some distance to make up now because of that 370 meter run yesterday. The plan is to run 120.39 km in the next ten days, to hit 310 km for the month. It isn't asking too much of a fit and healthy runner but a runner who has just had his faith shaken and who is experiencing floating pains might well struggle. That said, a runner who has fixed his arrogance problem should be able to chip away at it and be grateful for the chance to do so.      

*I was there a year ago after my mother suffered a stroke. She died about a month later and it's most likely that this first anniversary of her passing had a big influence on yesterday's lucid dream and the thoughts that followed.