Death rehearsal

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This evening's run - all 370 meters of it.

I have always spent too much time thinking about death. I don't think it's necessarily a subject to avoid but too much of it is a waste, especially with all the life around us. This morning I had one of those lucid dreams where you know it's a dream but you are not really awake and sometimes you can influence what happens, or at least you think you can. This was interesting. I somehow knew I had ten seconds left to live, and the count was going down in my head. I was facing the end and something inside me knew that as this was only a lucid dream all I had to do was relax and see what death felt like. 

It felt like nothing. I woke up and thought how lucky I was to be alive and also how fortunate I am that death is just nothing. As I counted down to my own death I had no flashes of my life before me, no regrets and no thoughts about anyone else. I was just counting down and aware of the fact that it was - as I have said - nothing. 


The rest of the day was good but I felt rough, like I was coming down with flu. I had that sensitivity in my skin and just felt weak. It rained most of the day and at night it stopped for a brief moment. It was then that I perked up enough to get changed and head out for a run. 

I ran 370 meters at a pace of over 7 minutes a kilometer and half-way through had a tight chest and shortness of breath. Just before I left the apartment I kissed my son and made a poor joke about it perhaps being the last time we would see each other. I am not afraid of death and I am aware that it is never like anyone would want it to be, it being death, but I was damned if I was going to drop dead in the street and get trampled by half-drunk drivers. Some things have to be avoided. 

I am still here and I am maintaining that my exercise streak has not been broken. Yes, 370 meters does not count as exercise for anyone, but given the perceived effort and misery involved, not to mention the fact that the rain had started again when I went out, falling like rain's imitation of snow in one of those snowstorm souvenirs you find at Christmas, I am taking it. The whole experience was unpleasant and required a hell of a lot more effort than some half marathons I have run, and anyway it's the Life Bonus I am giving myself for not dropping dead. And for people who like debts to be paid, it now means I have a heavy ten days ahead of me if I am to keep up my distance goal for the month, of 300 kilometers. There is no easy escape. 




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